Don’t judge me, love me!

Or how to look blindingly awesome in author photos

Begin by assuming that everyone you’ve ever hated will see your photo. So in my case, I just assume everyone will see my photo.

“But I have no enemies, I’m loved!”

You’re cute. Let me assure you that a) you do and your unbridled ignorance has led you to this point, much like Frauline Maria danced her way into a Nazi deathtrap, or b) you don’t but will immediately subsequent to the publication of your author photo; you’re a star, and people hate stars.

Fanboys

US road movie circa 1998 (made 2007) in which nerd contracts terminal cancer (note: nerd is tedious, no actual loss via death is apparent), as direct consequence nerd determines to break into home of George Lucas in order to view film Phantom Menace (note: Star Wars monomania is weak, unironic and done), is joined by three baby men, also nerds and best friends of guy with cancer, none of whom outshine one for whom death is imminent, who as already noted is equally interesting not breathing, with possible exception of obligatory fat guy, due to morbid obesity matched with demented Rush fetish.

Hair product reviews

Schwarzkopf, Seah Hairspa “Mineral Spritz”

Product introduces moisture via water spray conduit. A pro! Oil-like conduit invariably reacts to even finest rain cloud mist for self. How do I know this? Interesting you ask. Interesting inasmuch as I’m not actually here reading this to you, nor do we have a telepathic connection, and even if we did, you would still require the power of time travel to ask me, plus we’re not actually friends, so it would be like, I don’t dislike you, but this feels like you’re calling me after ten, except directly into my brain, and this is seriously why I don’t have Facebook—because it’s bullshit.

Star Trek xi

Really loving Star Trek is like really loving Christ—you’re a social cowpat, your views are fundamentalist and you’ve been waiting 2000 years for a decent fucking sequel.

This is NOT my idea of a joke. Nemesis is my idea of a joke, along with every Star Trek film since 1991, which have been needlessly baked in shit.

“I don’t think people even understand what Star Trek means anymore.” — JJ Abrams

Iron Maiden: Flight 666

Sam Dunn—director of Headbanger’s Journey, Global Metal and now Iron Maiden: Flight 666—opens can of cultural worms; finds old people, skullets and Neil Diamond within!

Sam, something you said at Flight 666’s opening is chiseled into my consciousness: “We’re at a point now where legendary metal bands deserve to have films like this made about them.” I found your use of the word “deserve” compelling. To me, that suggests metal is still spat on culturally.