10 ways to retain your dignity when you’re drunk

1. Can you sing? Probably not. So don’t explode because there’s karaoke. You’re drunk. You’re not Meat Loaf. Meat Loaf is Meat Loaf, and I think if anyone is going to be singing midi versions of Bat Out of Hell or Bat Out of Hell II: Back Into Hell , it should certainly be Loaf himself. Not you.

2. You have no standards when you’re drunk. That’s a given. But don’t entertain sex ideas with idiots. Consider at least these questions: Does he have a little beard? Does he smell like gas? Lesbians, same deal: Does she have a little beard? Does she smell like gas?

3. Stop dancing like nobody’s watching. Everybody. Is. Watching. And they don’t think it’s fun. They think it’s a stroke. Yes, that’s right! You’re dressed like a Sugababe and people think you’re having a disabling attack! Go home!

4. Don’t lift up friends. Time and again, I have drunk friends and drunk boyfriends dive in for my waist, lift me into the air and whizz me around. For what reason, I have no idea. Do I look like I enjoy it? Do I click my heels and scream “yippee”? No. I bludgeon their faces with my fucking handbag. Yes, show people my arse! What a party!

5. Don’t. Wear. Heels. Have at least this much foresight. You’ll either fall over like an unhinged whore, or take them off later, in which case you’ll be barefoot, flagging down a cab, belching a rancid combination of fags and “Bundy” into a migrant’s face.

6. Don’t eat shit. Consider your standards. Ask yourself: do I usually eat Domino’s pizza? Do I usually eat “Meatosaurus”? Do I usually eat “Double Bacon Cheeseburger”? Yes, that’s a pizza with BBQ sauce, cheese, beef, bacon and “a swirl of mayonnaise”. Thanks, Domino’s. I never thought of that. And I never want to think of it again! I would rather eat crap! Actual crap. Snacks, same deal: Do I usually eat “Cheds”? Do I usually eat “Chicken in a Bizkit”? Food at parties is invariably gross. At a recent party, I asked the host what there was to eat. She said, “Nuggets!” Don’t stoop.

7. Practice basic hygiene. There are people who don’t wash their hands. I’ve seen them. I don’t care if you’re drunk or on a fucking crystal meth binge. It’s one step away from living in your own waste! Piss is piss.

8. Sleep in a bed. I remember being told at a high school party, “Mia, babe, if you wanna party, you’re going to have to learn to crash wherever!” I doubt it. I doubt I have to learn to sleep curled around your toilet bowl. I doubt I have to learn to forego basic soft furnishings. I doubt I have to learn to sleep in a crack in the road.

9. Don’t use the word “chug”, once or repeatedly.

10. Don’t hurl. This, I know from experience. On some occasions I have been found dry retching late at night or the following morning. I don’t care. I do it alone. It’s a non-issue. Other people care. Not inasmuch as they think it’s gross, but inasmuch as they like to tease. “Oh, look at Mia, she can’t hold her liquor! Oh Mia, she’s done it again! She can’t even drink a glass of bubbles without spewing! Mia is a helpless little idiot!” Oh, great friends! Yes, what else am I? I suppose I’m a fucking moron because I can’t drink a trough of “Bundy” like you! And then I didn’t dive into Cheds and a mayonnaise pizza! Oh, yes, I’m a fucking idiot! Avoid the argument. Keep it down.

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