How to be her number one

1. Wikihow.com advises boyfriends to “do nice … things.” Kudos, Wikihow! No, seriously, wow. Please, which of the mental giants amongst you shat that solid gold turd of wisdom? Please, what other precision insights into the female psyche do you have? Let me guess. “Don’t beat her”? “Don’t throw a can of dog food at her head and then tell her it’s her chow”? “Don’t massacre her family and religious representatives on earth”?

Word to the wise, Wikihow: this is called meeting someone’s basic human rights. This doesn’t make you her number one, let alone get you laid. Try buying her a gift.

2. A burnt CD is not a gift. It is literally crap. She will throw it away, and if she does anything but throw it away, it means she is demented and doesn’t know what CD-Rs cost.

3. Anything that Kochie does, don’t do.

4. Don’t sculpt your hair into anything.

5. All dating literature advises boyfriends to “play with her hair”. This ends here. You do not plunge your grotty little paw into women’s hair, as you would a bowl of nuts. Her hair is the cumulative work of literally hours of washing, drying and styling. She does not work for hours on her hair so that you can run your sweaty little palm through it, thus ruining everything. If she presented you with an elaborately decorated cake, would you drive your hands into it and squelch it internally? You look with your eyes, not with your hands.

6. I used to know this idiot, who I think I will call “Randy”. This is a reasonably true story. Randy was out with friends, who collectively ordered food. I don’t know what. Some chips, let us say. When Randy’s girlfriend ate some chips from Randy’s plate, he slammed his arm down, thus creating a partition between the plate and her. “Stop! No! These are mine! You know I don’t have much money! Just eat your own!” Randy was, and is, a perpetual shit. Learn from him and learn to share.

7. I used to date a professional wrestler, who was gigantic, and seemed to expand daily. The problem was that he would not purchase bigger trousers to accommodate this, how shall I put it, “nouveau fat”. He literally burst the seat of his pants. I mean all of them. I recall one evening, when I heard the distant ripping of fabric, followed by him saying, “Mia, that was the last pair.” You buy clothes that fit.

8. A flower is not a gift. It dies. Nor can it be redeemed for a credit note or cash refund.

9. Don’t use the word “rock” as a verb.

10. Don’t use the word “rock” in relation to “your world”.

11. Don’t stare longingly and hungrily at another woman’s arse.

12. Don’t stare longingly and hungrily at another man’s arse.

13. Don’t flirt with friends. “Nick” and “Bess” are a couple in my peer group. Nick flirted with friends, so Bess cheated on Nick, developed a serious alcohol addiction, threw an unopened beer can at his head and, just last week, repeatedly bludgeoned his face. Nick now has to have his nose reconstructed surgically. A true story and a good one.

14. If you think her arse is spectacular, tell her why and in close detail.

15. Tell her that she’s beautiful, that she slays you, that you need her, that you’re aching.

16. Takes her by the hand, grab her waist, kiss her hard, tremble.

17. Tell her how the very sight of her makes you feel. Write it down.

18. Buy a book. Write those feelings in the book.

19. Buy her chocolates.

20. Buy her Frankie.

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