Agony Nerd

Nerds in the closet

Dear Agony Nerd,

Whilst it’s a breakthrough publicly admitting* that I like reading, I’m still convinced that anyone who thinks being a nerd is cool is just self-delusional. So how does one become an Out-and-Proud Nerd (a bit like Gay Pride but with optional rainbow and less Abba tunes)?

* When I was in high school I was cornered by a kid and slapped with the interrogative accusation, “Do you read a lot?” To which I instantly and vehemently responded, “NO!” Although that was somewhat countered by the fact we were standing in the library at the time.

Ludmilla

Dear Ludmilla,

The true nerd is a warrior. He is bludgeoned for studying. His glasses are torn from his face, smashed beyond repair and the shattered glass is rammed into his anus. And when his anus is not filled with prescription glass shards, it is suffering the fierce abrasion of his own underpants, perpetually wedged between his tender buttocks.

In truth, I am not this nerd. I do not know the shame of underpants scouring my arsehole. But the nerd who suffers is the greater nerd; propter suem humiliatem violentam, fortis est (he derives strength from his violent humiliation). He learns his worth and, ultimately, he learns not to give a fuck. And this is why nerds are cool. We are cool by sheer virtue of the fact that we are not cool. And when we learn not to give a fuck that we are not cool, we become, necessarily, very cool.

“That’s great, Mia. No, seriously, your shitty Latin is really going to help me when my face is being pummelled. Because this is exactly what I want to do when I am trying to fight accusations of being a nerd: RECITE LATIN.”

Ah, yes. A salient point.

Truly, I understand that before a nerd reaches this point of self-actualisation (aka becoming an “Out-and-Proud” nerd), he or she will crave more tangible guidance. And yet I fear I cannot give it. What could I possibly tell you to do? Hang around in a large group? Cosplay? Becoming a fat role-player running around Melbourne Uni, or wherever, is not going to help your reputation in the eyes of the public, let alone in those of your own mother.

Clearly, the average nerd is always going to have issues appearing in public, especially if brandishing some sort of plastic fantasy merchandise. The point is, Ludmilla, that you must learn to relish it and stick with your own acne-encrusted kind. And eventually learn not to give a fuck. Because, after all, other people judge you, but Nerds Gone Wild! will always love you. And if you’re a nerd, in your heart, you already know that the only people who really matter are nerds.

Vive diutissime et prospera fortuna utere (live long and prosper).

I can’t eat KFC or watch Futurama in the company of a woman

Hello.

Although I am single, I have no trouble getting hot dates. Girls like me and I like them! I do, however, have trouble with the longevity of my relationships.

I like my PC.

It’s a gateway to the world and is very important to me. If I’m out of range of my two email accounts and internet dating account for more than six hours I get skitzy.

No girl that I’ve gone out with likes that. Well, they think it’s cute initially, then they try and change me, then they leave.

What’s more, when I am out having a good time - say, on a Saturday night - there’s nothing I like more than coming home with some KFC, sitting in front of the TV, and watching anything from Futurama on DVD or other animations I’ve downloaded.

The clincher here is I don’t feel comfortable doing it with anyone else.

I’m 35 now and would love to settle down.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you’re my only hope.

Signed,

Toon Buffoon

Dear Toon,

I cannot say I feel your pain any more than I know what planet you are currently orbiting. From what I understand, your problem, in essence, is that you want to settle down with a human female, yet cannot abide them in any long-term sense. Me confused.

Toon, if you simply despised all women, this would be one thing, but you claim that you do not - to quote your own ravings, “I like them!” And why wouldn’t you? We have more functions than most inflatable women, and if you puncture us we do not wilt into a useless plastic bag.

Toon, if you prefer your relationship with a fried drumstick and a DVD box set (and you clearly do) then why not simply take your greasy paws, plunge them into the chicken tub and chow for your sweet life, burping all the way to your grave? If you identify the bucket and the DVD as your preferred company on a Saturday night (and you do), why try and “settle down” with a woman who you seem convinced will necessarily come between you and the bucket?

It is true; a woman does not appreciate being ignored in favour of a computer, any more than she likes being locked in a hole under the stairs or having cans of dog food thrown at her head. Though you believe you would “love to settle down”, you must appreciate this will severely mitigate the time you will be permitted to spend with your PC.

I am not pushing you in one direction or the other here, Toon. I am simply informing you that, to a great extent, it is one or the other. But then, you already knew that.

I realised I needed to actually do some physical exercise

After watching Flight of the Navigator, Repo Man and Tron all within 48 hours, I realised that I needed to counterbalance my nerdish-ness by actually doing some physical exercise.

As a responsible nerd, I engaged in some heavy slip, slop, slap before grabbing my purple yoga mat and skipping rope and heading down to the local park. When I got there however, I found that the ENTIRE Essendon Football Club was conducting some pre-season training with their fancy exercise bikes, medicine balls and sculpted pectorals. I promptly turned around and beared a hasty retreat.

I sat out the rest of the sunny morning scouring YouTube looking for clips of Vanilla Ice and his ninja rap in Turtles 2.

Matthew

Dear Matthew,

You have not actually asked a question here. You have simply stated that you decided to burn a single calorie, were faced with other human males, then (apparently terrorised by the event) literally ran away.

You clearly recognise that there is a problem here, but have not bothered to specify exactly what that is. The fact that you failed to exercise? The fact that your will is completely broken if people simply stand around you?

The fact is, Matthew, that you should exercise. “For my health, right?” WRONG. This is the kind of dribbling shit Biggest Loser contestants come out with. The reason you should be busting your Stay-Puff arse is because nerds should be able to kick the shit out of lesser nerds. That is a maxim, Matthew.

Of course, you should not have to expose your wet rolls to the Essendon Football Club. In truth, you were right to leave. You can (and should) exercise within whatever room or hole you are currently inhabiting. Invest in DVD titles like TJ Storm’s Cardio Kung-Fu : The Spiritual Workout.

See also: Issue 4’s “Agony nerd”.

Note: Agony Nerd letters should be sent to editorial[at]nerdsgonewildmagazine.com Authors of published letters receive various free goods, usually DVD boxsets courtesy of Madman.

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