Sharpest tools in the box (razor reviews)

Gillette Daisy

Product claims that “spring mounted blades adjust to [my] curves”. Is this product calling me fat? What an awesome start to a non-existent relationship. The blades, in any case, do not spring; the head merely pivots. Its function is satisfactory in this regard. “Lubrastrip” allegedly contains “grapeseed oil”. Unnoticeable. “Tear drop handle designed with a woman in mind”. Indeed? I see it is merely a pointed, rubberised stick. Apparently Gillett had a woman with very low standards “in mind”. Results are nevertheless pleasing.

Gilette Venus Vibrance

The selling point of this product is its battery-operated vibrating function. Necessary? By no means. “Exfoliating”, as the product itself claims? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I can prove nothing on this point. But I find these matters largely extraneous. The razor allows me to believe I am shaving in the not too distant future, or at least in an alternate 1985; this alone satiates me. It is an operation unto itself, granted, and relies on you having the patience to insert a battery, but it’s still more fun than killing yourself. The head glides fluidly along the perfect curve of my sculpted calf. I work out, don’t judge it.

Schick Intuition Plus

The “Intuition” alleges it “lathers and shaves in one easy step”, by means of its “all-in-one” razor blade wedged in a bar of soap — the idea being that the entire shaving process can be executed in a single, ongoing stroke. Reality differs. Although the motion is relatively fluid, the handle is fat, thus the head cannot be accurately manipulated. Further, the soap is merely soap. A small chunk rubbed on the skin does not foam or lather; it merely produces a thin, sud-like film, thus sharing the qualities of spit. When the soap chunk withers, the razors tend to sit proud of the head, but can be retracted by means of force.

Coles Women’s Twin Blade

“Twin Blade” appears simply too cheap to do anything other than spill blood. The handle is crude and brittle; the head is un-cushioned. These matters, however, are cosmetic. Product alleges a “perfect shave”. And indeed, assuming the legs have been immersed in bubbling water and smothered with a foaming gel, and assuming the strokes of the Twin Blade are short, gentle and strategic, “Twin Blade” does yield a perfect result. Pack of five allows the slow-witted woman to lose blades without consequence. And look, the product is even rendered in pastels. How unpredictable.

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