beauty reviews: Frankie #24 July/Aug 2008

toothpaste reviews

Close Up
My god, why does this product look like congealed pig’s blood? I thought the idea was “to clean”, not “fill face with blood”. Ooh, and tastes like Dettol. This product just keeps kicking goals. I suppose the fetid taste seems to subside towards the end of the clean, but why is there a fetid taste at all? Human beings are designed to reject foul smells because it usually indicates poison or shit. I guess this gives the product +1 “novelty value”, if nothing else. Packet assures “fresher breath”. Fresher than what? Lard? Note to marketing: look up “comparative adjective”, then die.

Sensodyne Fresh Impact
“Fresh Impact”. Wow, that name is actually a little violent, given we’re talking about a toothpaste. But I suppose that’s a common angle for teeth products now, isn’t it? I recall Listerine is always depicted as making people’s faces explode … Either people aren’t happy with having their teeth “cleaned”, they want them “blown out their face”, or marketing is being helmed by Timothy McVeigh. Ooh, and this toothpaste is intended for people with “sensitive teeth” — +1 irony! Paste is white with clear, turquoise streak. Cleans all right, but smells like a combination of cinnamon and baby’s arse.

Cedel Soft Polish Spearmint
Smells like Tic Tacs, looks like Clag. The sort of product that makes you glad to be alive! Product claims that “the addition of a special soft polish” is “the latest development in toothpaste to improve your dental care”. Firstly, what is “soft polish”? At no stage does this product actually establish what “soft polish” is other than “special”. Well, so is my arse. FYI Cedel: “special” is usually either code for substandard or mentally slow; don’t use it. Secondly, this is “the latest development in toothpaste”? Wow, what a world. What’s next, talkies? Everything about this product is depressing.

Korres Natural Products Total Care Toothpaste Spearmint and Lime
Mmm, “spearmint and lime”. They should have one with gin. Maybe then the product would actually be worth fifteen dollars. I’m kidding, that would still be appalling. This is nothing actually wrong with this product whatsoever, it cleans as well as any other, but why is this product valued at fifteen dollars? I’m going to guess this is because these are “natural products”. Assuming this is the case, a product intended for mass consumption and sitting on shelves till 2009 can only be so, ahem, “natural”. No offence, I just accept logic and the laws of the universe.