feature story: Jmag #20 August 2008

satan up your ass

What do Satanists do when they’re not pack raping Mia Farrow’s unconscious body? I’m kidding, that was a movie. The funny thing is that the lay public still overwhelmingly perceives and depicts Satanism as a soiled band-aid floating in society’s collective moral swimming pool, when for the most part it really does conform to mainstream social code. The following beans of wisdom are Anton LaVey’s “Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth” — beans which both provide the cornerstone of modern Satanic ideology and cripple the wider character assassination of Church of Satan members, who in reality wouldn’t rape Mia Farrow’s dog. Enjoy, friends!

I. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

“Shut your face” — what a philosophical nugget! I know, I know, it all seems so obvious now. But remember when you rammed your fist into a glass door to see what would happen? Oh, wait, that was me. I really did that! I guess major irreversible scarring is the only way some people learn.

II. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

And I guarantee you, we don’t! That exclamation point wasn’t ironic, by the way, I used it because it was the closest I could grammatically come to breaking your balls.

III. When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

I’m somewhat less enthusiastic on this point. Only because I recently went to some guy’s house to play Guitar Hero, and discovered after playing several songs that his housemate was mostly naked and perched immediately behind me. When I turned to face him, he simply farted and left the room. My friend told me not to worry, he’s “just a really gassy dude”, as if that makes any fucking difference — you see what I mean.

IV. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

Weird but fair!

V. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

And if you are bestowed no sign, fucking leave. Don’t sit in your parked car outside my house. I had a guy — whose breath, let it be known, smelled like some combination of petrol and cat’s arse — nurse some long-term psychopathic fantasy that we were in relationship. When I said, “Yeah, I don’t think this is a great idea,” he literally hyperventilated for ten minutes, then told me he planned to scale the wall of my bedroom, quote, “like a spider”. Wow, just like in the movies. Although freak never actually carried out that particular Hallmark moment, he did apparently drive three hours to sit outside my house and consider throwing a brick through my window “for Valentine’s Day”. I sleep like a baby!

VI. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.

I don’t oppose this dictum, I just can’t imagine what might fall into that family of burdens, other than … spoiled meats?

VII. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

Sure, why not.

VIII. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

Prudent. Although I reserve the right to complain about YouTube “related videos”. That shit’s purgatorial.

IX. Do not harm little children.

You see, every Satanist has a caramel centre.

X. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

Who kills a fucking animal? Oh god, I actually know someone, would you believe. A friend of mine was dating a bong enthusiast for a while, and apparently the first night he slept in her bed, he whispered, “I’ve killed three cats.” She pretended not to have heard and asked him to repeat himself. He paused at length, then said, “Nothing … good night!” I’m pretty sure that guy also bed-wetted.

XI. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.

Destroy as in terminate? Illegal but interesting!