column: Frankie #29 June/July 2009

things to say during pregnant pause

1. Movies. Common question asked to self during pause is: “Have you seen any good movies lately?” Well, I don’t know—I assume I have seen good movies lately, since apparently none of them drove me to suicide and I am here having this witless conversation right now, so let’s just say yes for the sake of “society”, but frankly this line is to conversation what dog crap is to the world—noxious, coiled and steaming—so I advise an amendment.

Rather than discussing films that have been, discuss what films MIGHT be as per the fantasy land in your mind—for myself, this is a cast helmed by Lars Ulrich, who plays Mickey Rooney’s father in the Broadway spectacle of Hamlet: Half Past Dead, the twist being that Mickey Rooney and Lars Ulrich swap brains half-way through the film as per Face Off, then Mickey Rooney switches brains with Max von Sydow, who previously swapped brains with Hitler during an infamous World War II “switcheroo”, all of which is established over the course of flashbacks presented by the Ghost of Christmas Past, who is in this case played by Alf; also the film is set on the Titanic. Then ask your compatriot what film they would make and tear it down accordingly, constantly reminding them they have no actual budget to make their film and you will personally see to it that their dream never comes to fruition.

2. Work. Another common question asked to self during pause is: “How is your employment?” or similar variant. Seems to be pointless line of conversation, as focus is entirely upon self, inviting judgement, envy, hostility, confusion and finally rage, whereupon it is discovered that I barely work and barely care, undermining my compatriot’s worldview and style of life. Also—if one is true to reality—human life rarely has genuine interest in others, unless others are nude, drug-addicted trainwrecks, so I advise derailing topic of conversation to nude, drug-addicted trainwrecks or similar variant.

3. Material possessions. One will often kill quiet moment with comment: “I like bag you hold or shoe you wear on foot—et cetera.” Such comment focuses limelight on compatriot, which flatters him or her into interminable, self-obsessed ramblings. Tactic is convenient for pretending to care whether subject lives or dies and takes pressure off self to conjure additional statements—win, win.

4. Tattoos. Self has often observed tattoos located on exposed body meat of others during pause, however have mostly come to regret, as statement seems to function as invitation to show self every inch of person inclusive of bottom meat, one monomaniacal douche attempting to show me his very groin as he had emblazoned upon it a gothic fleur de lis—fortuitously for moi, the civilian in question was grossly overweight and a roll of fat provided a certain measure of censorship between me and his apparently tattooed gland, which thank fuck, I never saw. Note: said person had already taken self on unwitting tour of rest of the link sausage factory he called his body, which included multiple tattoos of heart-shaped pentagrams—significant geometry for him, he claimed, as it symbolised the union of love and the power of evil. Self advised that more significant geometry for him may be that of treadmill. In such instance, literally any conversational topic is preferable, i.e. enjoyment of local wall.