beauty reviews: Frankie #29 June/July 2009

shampoo reviews

Kevin Murphy, Angel Wash Shampoo & Conditioner

Product radiates smell of miniature frosted cakes. Question: what function does frosting serve? Answer: None, it is the gristle on the bone of human life. Maybe product contains said perfume to take one back to “days of old”? Days of happy memories eating glucose every waking hour of childhood? Today the child is morbidly obese, cannot be moved from bed without animal harness. Additional question: how do fat people rendered immobile by their massive flesh bounty actually go wees? Luxury colostomy bag seems to be only fantasy in my mind. Product exemplary in actual terms, renders weightless shine.

O&M, Maintain the Mane Shampoo & Conditioner

Brand publicity material maintains that “root of bad hair days is stress”. Oh? Maybe products will get around to filing all the crap on my desk. I kid, I kid—crap on desk is extension of my soul, which also has no point and became irrelevant in 2005. Note to the witless: unfiled materials is not “organised chaos”, do not say this until your desk contains infinite formless matter of the universe or similar, stop raping words. Fragrance is that of rosemary and sage, is ideal for basting meats? Obviously no. Product is sterling, follicle is rendered soft, like rump of household cat or similar.

Planet Earth, Smooth as Silk Shampoo & Conditioner

Ah, Planet Earth, I know ye well! “Ye?” My god, the personal pronoun of douchebags. Is in same universe of douche as “interwebs”. Seriously, interwebs? Call it what it is, “porn factory”. Side note: why does every site now contain IQ test link? Is appealing to actual mental giant? Maybe clinical genius avoids obvious spam. Product has no discernable smell, but is of no concern—myself, I do not need cake frosting crammed up my nostrils and into my skull just to be able to wash, my human need to avoid being caked with shit provides sufficient motive. Fluid resembles delicious nectar of fruit.

Samy, Fat Hair Thickening Shampoo & Conditioner

Home Shopping segment claims Samy was honoured at actual White House; maybe devalues significance of American presidential office by weenie fraction, was under impression those honoured at White House usually had part of brain exploded in combat? Oh, I forget, Angelina Jolie has ear of United Nations, am reminded everyone is full of shit. Product thickens hair to immense extent, appeals to self as own hair is of Winehouse-grade height. Interesting side note: am often referred to as “Winehouse” by drunk public in street or liquor dispensing units, self is genuinely flattered as implies slender frame of crack whore—for the win!

Evo, Gluttony Shampoo & Bride of Gluttony Conditioner

Products emit underwhelming perfume as per old man following bath time. Self notices that window of opportunity to bathe before skin shrivels to prune-grade is maybe only seven minutes, exercise seems mostly futile, rewards are minimal, confined to momentary heat, is also a byproduct of ingesting boiling pie, nobody wins. Publicity material likens conditioner to “dessert of apple pie and sticky wine”, hence functioning as “ideal follow up” to shampoo. Pie? Wine? Sticky? Maybe publicity is written by old man from depression era unaware less disgusting food combinations exist. Product functions as effective thickening agent, as porn factory is to brain, live long and prosper.

Burt’s Bees, Super Shiny Grapefruit & Sugar Beet

Product discharges weird yet stellar bouquet of grapefruit and assorted oils, follicle is accorded visible shine, self appeared as vital human following use, as opposed to usual self—the visible product of chronic insomnia and night terrors. I kid, I kid! I appear semi-rested. Side note: your dreams are interesting to nobody under any circumstance unless they contain like, a gay revelation, but even then it’s still like, who isn’t, nobody’s impressed, what demon of bullshit possess you to announce this to a global audience, Twitter is the acid bath in which the brain of human life dissolves, thanks for motivation to not kill myself. Product recommended.

Ojon, Shine & Protect Shampoo & Conditioner

Publicity materials maintains Ojon CEO Denis Simioni has quote: “earned a reputation as the Indiana Jones of Haircare.” In what sense? As an actual archaeologist? As Sean Connery’s son? As a fictional character in a dying franchise? Statement’s relationship to both haircare and reality seems at best void or deranged—Simioni advised to reassess identity, box office draw and planet-sized ego. Products radiate almond perfume, although smell less akin to actual food, closer to old school cosmetic fragrance as per old lady sexual predator, thus appealing to minority population of Oedipal deviants—that’s witchcraft! Products also function as effective softening agent.

Simple, Softening Gentle Shampoo & Conditioner

Products contain “no perfume, no colour”, is appealing to puritanical dullard, no? Sounds great. Maybe is better to fire these people into the sea than to stroke their deranged egos. Side note: is five second rule ever acceptable? Self think yes, assuming the exterior of product is impenetrable as per an apple or cornjack, although I would never eat either, gun to my head or no. Cake, another story altogether, I assume crumbs attract their own kind and the product ultimately functions as a breeding ground for death. Product contains chamomile oil active ingredient.