Mia Timpano, selected magazine articles

N.B. Everything pre-2005 is either unclear or incredibly bad.

• “We kill goats” in Frankie 6, Aug/Sept 2005

• “Stand-up comedy: a world of shit, or not that bad really?” in Voiceworks 63, Summer 2005/6

• “Have I got a story to tell you: four writers share their travel experiences” in Frankie 8, Dec/Jan 2005/6

• “Review: The Braun Silk Epil Soft Perfection Epilator” in Frankie 8, Dec/Jan 2005/6

• “Gender swap: when women scream shit out of the car” in Frankie 9, Feb/Mar 2006

• “Screw the sealed section, babe” in Frankie 9, Feb/Mar 2006 (I consider it fucking remarkable that I would describe a major women’s title as “bullshit”, then be headhunted by that very corporation a year later. I sometimes believe my life is an actual joke. Though this article is one of the few I don’t cringe over. See esp the following:

One of [this magazine's] most eligible bachelors is Chris Hemsworth, an “actor” from Home and Away. They asked him, “What’s something your friends don’t know about you?” He said, “I’m really an alien.” I’m confused. Is this a joke? Why would he joke about being an alien? That’s like joking about being a used car salesman. It’s not funny. It’s irrelevant. Chris, here’s something your friends do know about you: you’re full of shit. (the whole thing is here →)

• “Hello annoying trend!” in Frankie 9, Feb/Mar 2006 →

• “Don’t waste a cent: 12 ways to save money” in Frankie 9, Feb/Mar 2006 (Note: baby whore joke was cut.) →

• “Self-help books: Awaken the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins” in Frankie 10, Apr/May 2006 →

• “20 ways to impress your love interest” in Frankie 10, Apr/May 2006 (The following paragraph would never appear in print:

Wayne Thompson, one of Cleo’s 50 Eligible Bachelors, says that in order to impress his love interest, he would buy her “a flower”. Weak. What Wayne, like many others, clearly does not realise is that flowers are free and in abundance. So are glasses of water. So are used tea-towels. So is asbestos. Do you give any of these to your love interest? No. Because they’re cheap and useless. A gift to impress your love interest should be bold and expensive. In the film Monkey Shines, Alan receives a monkey that makes him sandwiches and dials phone numbers and vacuums the carpet. Granted, the monkey later kills Alan’s mother and burns down Stanley Tucci’s country house with him in it, but the point was that Stanley Tucci was sleeping with Alan’s ex-girlfriend, who only left Alan because he had become a paraplegic, and what’s Stanley Tucci doing now? Shall We Dance. Sure, it was a great film, but I don’t even think he was getting top billing. The point, I think, is obvious: a bold and expensive gift — in this case, a monkey — leaves an impression. (the rest is here →)

• “Skin therapy” in Frankie 10, Apr/May 2006 (These were moisturiser reviews, and my first beauty reviews ever. Not bad, but not good either. My whore jokes were entirely cut. Yes, yes, frowny face.)

• “Noni Hazlehurst” (interview) in Frankie 10, Apr/May 2006 (Weird.)

• “Gender mythbusting: women like jerks” in Frankie 11, June/July 2006 (This article demanded an entire re-write on the basis that it was, amongst other things, highly defamatory. I maintain that the truth hurts. Consider the following unpublished extract:

… Today I can, of course, recognise that Bowie as the “goblin king” [in Labyrinth] is a jerk and, in reality, I would tire of him, as I would of James Spader. Consider this: would I actually want a man who abducts babies? Would I want to be driven into a labyrinth, and later, a pit filled with human waste? Would I actually want David Bowie to trap, drug and violate my person?

Actually, I would. David Bowie is a god. I appreciate that this is in direct contradiction to my initial point — that women do not indulge jerks. But I am talking about Bowie now. I am not going to throw Bowie in the same social bucket as [children's TV presenter I massacred earlier in this version of the article]. In the film Labyrinth, Bowie sings, dances and turns into an owl. On [name of TV show], [name of children's TV presenter] runs around in front of a blue screen. Seriously, a dog can run around in front of a blue screen. I’m not saying, “Fire [name of children's TV presenter]. Replace him with a dog.” Personally, I don’t mind him. All I’m saying is, there are a lot of talented animals out there. Off the top of my head, I can think of that dog from The Mask and Airbud. Granted, I never saw Airbud, but that dog in The Mask genuinely took my breath away. I think performing opposite Jim Carrey is always going to be a tall order, but that dog actually stole most of that film — and, I think, managed to do so without showboating. (the published re-write is here →)

• “Top 10 things to expect from your first major surgery” in Frankie 11, June/July 2006 (Written after actual life-threatening surgery in the ward.) →

• “Go team! 10 ways to impress your workmates” in Frankie 11, June/July 2006 (Don’t know why I would write this as I have never actually been employed by anyone.) →

• “15 minutes of foam” (shampoo reviews) in Frankie 11, June/July 2006

• “Urge overkill: caught and slaughtered” in Men’s Style 15, July/Aug 2006 (Easily my worst work ever. But then, my most widely circulated work is generally bullshit. It’s just a fact. In this piece I actually mention “a giant black penis being masturbated by a dismembered hand”. There is no excuse.)

• “My mother’s advice” in Frankie 12, Aug/Sept 2006 →

• “Squeaky clean” (cleanser reviews) in Frankie 12, Aug/Sept 2006

• “I’ve been to jail 13 times” in Frankie 12, Aug/Sept 2006 (An interview with a former prisoner. I originally titled this “My mother taught me how to get rid of a dead body”, I felt it grabbed the groin, we differed.)

• “William Shatner: ham bites back” in Nerds Gone Wild! 1, Sept/Oct 2006 (My obsession with Shatner as a culturally Advanced concept was peaking at this point. I had just wrapped my surrealist video project “James Tiberius Font” — a video about a font I had created based entirely on William Shatner’s facial expressions. I would feed the font through random TV footage — CNN, Sale of the Century, Home Improvement, and so on — thus replacing all on screen letters — news crawl, etc — with the James Tiberius Font, which would ultimately be edited to a soundtrack of “Come on, Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners and described by audiences as a laugh riot. Which it was.)

• “How I fell in love with Meat Loaf and why I stalk him now” in Nerds Gone Wild! 1, Sept/Oct 2006 (This article was not ironic.) →

• “Twenty-something information whores” in Pulp 51, Spring 2007 (Everything in this article was wrong.)

• “10 ways to retain your dignity while drunk” in Frankie 13, Oct/Nov 2006 →

• “I am a refugee” in Frankie 13, Oct/Nov 2006 (An interview series with female refugee victims of torture.)

• “Google stalking: you love it” in Frankie 13, Oct/Nov 2006 →

• “I was addicted to pokies” in Frankie 13, Oct/Nov 2006 (Interview with female pathological gambler.)

• “When I was in high school: four writes share their teenage memories” in Frankie 13, Oct/Nov 2006 →

• “Dirty laundry” in Frankie 13, Oct/Nov 2006 (Washing detergent reviews. My star rises! No, this really was amusing.)

• “Summer sun” (sunscreen reviews) in Frankie 13, Oct/Nov 2006

• “JP Shilo: a dead man looking for a home” in LifeLounge 2.1, Oct/Nov 2006 →

• “20 ways to be her number one” in Frankie 14, Dec/Jan 2006/7 →

• “My worst birthday: four writers share the details [...]” in Frankie 14, Dec/Jan 2006/7 →

• “I am an impersonator” in Frankie 14, Dec/Jan 2006/7 (An interview series with various celebrity impersonators. I made one cry. You really can’t build that kind of information into a transcript without sounding patronising.)

• “Two languages in two minutes” in Frankie 14, Dec/Jan 2006/7 (I covered French and Russian, but originally intended to cover Latin and Klingon. It was decided this was not in the interests of the readership.)

• “Something smells nice” (perfume reviews) in Frankie 14, Dec/Jan 2006/7

• “Alice Axe: I get wolfy” in LifeLounge 2.2, Dec/Jan 2006/7

• “It’s my name, bitch!” in Frankie 15, Feb/Mar 2007 (The word “bitch!” was removed from final copy, which was fairly puzzling, given my liberal use of the word “MOTHERFUCKER” elsewhere.) →

• “I wish I knew then what I know now” in Frankie 15, Feb/Mar 2007 →

• “Top 10 ways to be popular at parties” in Frankie 15, Feb/Mar 2007 (Mediocre. All other list articles herein are superior. Literally, all.)

• “Rub a dub dub” (bath bomb reviews) in Frankie 15, Feb/Mar 2007

• “Agony Nerd” in Nerds Gone Wild! 3, Feb/Mar 2007 →

• “Snowy from Tintin vs Brain from Inspector Gadget” in Nerds Gone Wild! 3, Feb/Mar 2007 →

• “Review: Cardio Kung-fu” in Nerds Gone Wild! 3, Feb/Mar 2007

• “Review: The Myth” in Empire, March 2007 (I gave this film two stars; these were pity stars.)

• “I’m hung up on Shu: the false lash revival” in Russh 15, Mar/Apr 2007 →

• “Fatal1ty” in LifeLounge 2.3, Mar/Apr 2007 →

• “The album that changed by my life: Backstreet’s Back” in Frankie 16, Apr/May 2007 →

• “You can shut the fuck up now” in Frankie 16, Apr/May 2007 (A collaboration with Benjamin Law. The following section would never see print, though this was certainly a space issue:

1. Your Urgent Need for Coffee

Ben says: Everyone has their vices. Your vice might be shopping. My boyfriend’s is a good bottle of New Zealand pinot noir. My vice is homosexual pornography. However, you don’t hear me exclaim during the middle of a work shift: “Oh, it’s been such a long day! I can’t wait til I can go online, drop my pants and stroke my wang.” No, that would be indecent. So why do coffee-drinkers feel the need to groan their way through a day at the office about their undying, constant need for a “caffeine fix”? Even heroin users have enough discretion not to go on about junk. Most of them refer to their habit as “bus tickets.” I like their style. Keep your vices to yourself. Coffee makes you jittery and your breath smell like rubbish. Wow. Fantastic beverage there. We get it—you need coffee. Just buy your skinny latté and shut up already.

Mia says: You don’t have a caffeine addiction. You want to be perceived as having a caffeine addiction (or any addiction) because you’re an attention whore. Caffiene is an extremely mild stimulant. You don’t have an addiction to it any more than you have an addiction to beans. “Ooh, I so need beans! Where is my bean-fix? I really need to ram beans into my face.” Shut up and deal with it. And you’re the same whore who wanted crutches in primary school because you thought it would win you friends. It didn’t. News flash, no matter how many bones of yours you have set in plaster, you’re still the same vacuous bitch, just rendered motionless. (the rest →)

• “What happens when you purge your long-term boyfriend” in Frankie 16, Apr/May 2007 →

• “Things not to do when you meet your in-laws” in Frankie 16, Apr/May 2007 →

• “Face off” (facial reviews) in Frankie 16, Apr/May 2007 (I actually refer to Gorky Park in one of these reviews. Nobody gets me.)

• “Agony Nerd” in Nerds Gone Wild! 4, Apr/May 2007 (At this point, I am actually described by certain colleagues as “abusive” to readers.) →

• “Operation McFly” in Nerds Gone Wild! 4, Apr/May 2007 →

• “Good news Shatner, bad news Shatner” in Nerds Gone Wild! 4, Apr/May 2007

• “The least sexy nerd alive: Wil Wheaton” in Nerds Gone Wild! 4, Apr/May 2007

• “Review: Death Trance” in Nerds Gone Wild! 4, Apr/May 2007

• “Original Nerds Gone Wild! high-fat LAN snack recipes” in Nerds Gone Wild! 4, Apr/May 2007

• “Colon power: the joys of irrigation” in Russh 16, May/June 2007 →

• “Reasons to sign out of MSN, or your LJ, or whatever” in Frankie 17, June/July 2007 →

• “What happens when you purge your long-term boyfriend: part 2, back in the habit” in Frankie 17, June/July 2007 →

• “Horrific trends in fashion” in Frankie 17, June/July 2007 (Again with Law.) →

• “Read my lips” (lip gloss reviews) in Frankie 17, June/July 2007

• “Rampage” in LifeLounge 10, June/July 2007

• “Bryan Ferry” in Sesame 5, Winter 2007 →

• “War on text” in Frankie 18, July/Aug 2007 →

• “My most embarrassing moment” in Frankie 18, July/Aug 2007 →

• “Living in my car” in Frankie 18, July/Aug 2007 (Note: all content for this issue was written chronically drunk. In this instance, let’s just say it showed.)

• “Tidy yourself up” (grooming product reviews) in Frankie 18, July/Aug 2007

• “Dating quietly” in Cosmopolitan, Sept 2007 (Jokes at the expense of Michael Buble were entirely removed, yet my claims that he calls my breasts “Cheech and Chong” were retained. The right choice!) →

• “10 ways to end it (and spare their feelings)” in Frankie 19, Sept/Oct 2007 →

• “My environmental crime” in Frankie 19, Sept/Oct 2007 (Original copy states that I sincerely want to “kill” Ronald McDonald, in final copy this is reduced to “hurt”. Unsure what difference this ultimately makes, as I still refer to dragging his rotting corpse around as a reminder to others. Here is the uncut introduction:

Who chose Ronald McDonald as the spokes-clown for Clean Up Australia Day? Because, fuck, that was some solid gold marketing. “Okay guys, we need to connect with the Australian public, I’m thinking deranged American burger clown?” Yes! Slay us all with the power of burger clown! Finally, someone who speaks to us! Command me, burger clown! You really make me want to touch garbage. No, wait, the other thing — DRINK YOUR BLOOD. (the rest, here →)

• “What’s that smell?” (perfume reviews) in Frankie 19, Sept/Oct 2007 (Weird title, implies gas, not my idea.)

• “CrackBerry abuse” in Cosmopolitan, Oct 2007 →

• “20 ways to impress your sex interest” (re-titled version of original “love interest” list article published in Frankie 10, Apr/May 2006, here) in What is Our Sex? anthology, published by Vignette Press, 2007 (Biography published in endnotes as follows: “Mia Timpano writes for Russh, bitches for Frankie, masterminds Nerds Gone Wild!, collects garbage, reviews detergents, chews bones, speaks Latin, looks like a vamp, whirls like a dervish, blackens the cursed sun, and walks with me in hell.”)

• “Dinner parties: no” in Frankie 20, Nov/Dec 2007 →

• “Death to Helvetica” interview in T-World 3 Summer 2007

• “House of Holland” in T-World 3 Summer 2007 →

• News and a rather lengthy string of designer profiles in T-World 3 Summer 2007

• “Helvetica the movie” in Empty 11 Summer 2007/8 (forthcoming) →

• “I like big bibles and I cannot lie” in Empty 11 Summer 2007/8 →

• “Corb on the cob: Control and the eternal oeuvre of Anton Corbijn” in Empty 11 Summer 2007/8

• “Reasons to love growing old” in Frankie 21 Jan/Feb 2008 →

• “Kiss kiss!” in SummerWinter 2007 →

• “Can I be a booze hound?” in Jmag 14 Feb 2008 →

• “What happens when you purge your long-term boyfriend part three: die harder” in Frankie 22 March/April 2008 →

• “If you could rid the earth of one thing …” four writers’ piece in Frankie 22 March/April 2008 →

• Redken product reviews in Frankie 22 March/April 2008

• Mascara reviews in Frankie 22 March/April 2008

• “Bathing beauty” in Russh 21 March/April 2008 →

• “Metalocalypse: some kind of mother douchebag” interview in Nerds Gone Wild! 2.1 Autumn 2008

• “Agony Nerd” in Nerds Gone Wild! 2.1 Autumn 2008

• “When Star Trek isn’t awesome” review in Nerds Gone Wild! 2.1 Autumn 2008 →

• “Nerd blood flows red” Nerds FC cast interviews in Nerds Gone Wild! 2.1 Autumn 2008

• “Atreyu: what became of thee?” in Nerds Gone Wild! 2.1 Autumn 2008 →

• “Don’t get chumpatized” in Nerds Gone Wild! 2.1 Autumn 2008 →

• “The water myth” in Russh 22 May/June 2008 →

• “Am I a racial stereotype?” in Frankie 23 May/June 2008 →

• Razor reviews in Frankie 23 May/June 2008 →

• “Competitive eaters confessional” in LifeLounge 11 Winter 2008

• “Black Lips” interview in LifeLounge 11 Winter 2008

Actually, there are more articles, but they’re tedious.