Mia Timpano, selected magazine articles

Reviews from Frankie 22 March/April 2008:

MAC’s Zoom Lash

Firstly to the tube itself: thin, black, patent — an evil appearance, I’ll wager, but one that I relish. This mascara appears less akin to a cosmetic and more akin to a Soviet, laser-encrusted death tool — for this alone, my heart metaphorically bleeds. Wand appears crude, consisting of the old school bristles, spiraling around a short, sharp spear — but how the eye doth deceive the fool. Wand runs an uncommonly wet and lush coat of mascara along the lashes, thus, with a single application, builds volume, which is bountiful, and length, which is sexual. Do not simply buy this mascara; clutch it to your sweet and heaving bosom.

Jemma Kidd’s Extreme Magnify

I see this mascara is contained in a fluorescent pink tube. Repellent. But then I discover it to be well-weighted, thus possessing the convenience of a blunt instrument. More pleasing. Wand itself consists of a wide valley of tightly nested bristles, but appears large and therefore ungainly. One expects such a wand to handle poorly and isolate few lashes; both assumptions are misguided. Wand, in fact, handles with uncommon ease. Wand also defines individual lashes better than any that I have reviewed here, or encountered in this realm. Be your applications single or manifold, wand builds a clean and delicate lash forest.

Make Up Store’s Sensitive Mascara

Ah, another solid metal tube. Excellent. I enjoy this weight. I concede the tube is not capable of breaking every bone in one’s face; it nonetheless offers a substantial weight that pleases my fist. Wand is long, marginally more so than others featured here, and comprised of tightly wound, narrowly nested bristles. Although this mascara caters for the “sensitive” eye, I fear my eyes are much like my buns — of steel. Thus, how sensitive this mascara truly is, I cannot say. I will therefore only comment aesthetically. Wand builds soft, light lashes. These are too light to be epic, but light enough to appear naturally lush.

Reviews from Frankie 19 Sept/Oct 2007:

Davidoff’s Cool Water Wave

Notes are largely spices and assorted fruit, including “engaging guava”. I myself have never been engaged by guava, just as I have never been bewitched by a pea or hypnotised by a beer nut. Publicity explains that the Davidoff Cool Water Wave woman is “at ease with herself and the world”, “she darts into the tide … and finally dives under a billowing breaker.” I’ll hazard that by happily “darting into tides” she will find herself significantly less “at ease with the world” and closer to her inevitable, violent death.

Joop!’s Go

Though at first Go clearly recalls the scent of burnt tyres, this hideous pong rapidly fades to dark and arousing wooden notes. Green bottle is praised for “demanding attention” — an achievement shared by rabies and terrorism. Go’s campaign features a man sliding down a sharply declining ramp between escalators, “thumbing his nose to the establishment. By doing so, he embodies succinctly all that Joop! Go is about.” Which is what exactly? Willfully falling to your death? Out of my way! I’m need to fire myself into traffic! I’m a Joop man!

CK’s One Summer

Limited edition variant of the traditional CK One, Summer features One’s characteristic citrus kick to the groin, with additional hints of grapefruit, orange and “watermint”. The lasting note is essentially grass. Yet again, we revisit the weed fixation. Like One, Summer is a “shared” scent, allowing both parties to smell of the same grass and fruits. By and large, I consider matched couples to be a sickening and tacky element to society, and I look forward to their inevitable, violent death.

Reviews from Frankie 18 July/Aug 2007:

Manicare’s Pumice Stone

This is not a pumice stone, in the sense that it is not a stone, nor made of pumice. So, great start, Manicare! Truly, I have no idea what this actually is (it’s alternately described as a “stone” and “sponge”, someone either couldn’t make up their mind or speak English), but I’ll hazard a guess it’s a tightly compressed foam brick. It’s true; this object does has a light abrasive effect, as is intended, but one, it crumbles like a rice cake, two, how soft do you want to pumice? If whatever you’re pumicing demands a softer touch — like, I don’t know, a baby — chances are you shouldn’t be pumicing it.

The Body Shop’s Exfoliating Skin Towel

Ah, yes, Exfoliating Skin Towel. My personal pick of the products in this selection, Towlie unfurls to the length of, say, two cats, and easily wraps around the body once, twice, three times a baby, thus allowing one to scrub any major surface area in a pinch — a leg, say, or the entire arse, both cheeks at a time. Made from a pink, shimmering mesh, the towel itself is much like a thin, coarse serviette, and can of course be balled into the fist for a concentrated scrubbing. Happily, Towlie folds into a neat little mesh pile after the fact, no bigger than, say, a fat mandarin.

Dermalogica’s The Sponge Cloth

Another curious little object from Dermalogica, “The Sponge Cloth” appears and feels like some sort of luxury mouse pad, though again, as to why this is making contact with my face I’m confused. Again, I’m experiencing a softness (supreme softness, in this case — note that, do note that), but I’m getting none of the benefits a proper sponge or an exfoliating serviette would otherwise yield — that is, exfoliation, invigoration, and of course, foamies. Again, I’m not crying if I can’t get my foamies; I’m just confused as to how I’m meant to make a beard without them. But certainly a luxurious sponge, nevertheless.

Reviews from Frankie 15 Feb/Mar 2007:

Dermalogica’s Hydro-active Mineral Salts

Though Dermalogica identify this product’s scent as a complex of “sea salts” and — yes! — “natural kelp”, the blend actually seems much closer to a stock, such as Vegeta (I would strictly say a vegetable-based cooking stock, in this case; no meat notes). The salts dissolve quickly, colouring the bath’s water a light and turbid green, resembling some sort of a pond (certainly a bonus for those who are keen to bathe in a pond; less useful to the rest of us). Skin is rendered especially soft and genuinely relaxed. Product operates like a shaker. I came out smelling like: broth.

Lush’s Pop in the Bath

Though the ball in question takes the distressing appearance of a child’s Play-Doh creation, or worse, something inspired by Art Attack (no doubt fused together with Neil’s bog roll), Pop in the Bath is, in fact, a delightful little product. When the ball is held directly beneath the tap, the ball dissolves almost instantly and produces abundant foam. Although citrus oils are listed as the ball’s scent, I found it more akin to a repulsive child’s lolly bag (the child being repulsive, not the bag). I came out smelling like: a jelly baby.

Reviews from Frankie 14 Dec/Jan 2006/7:

Britney Spears’ Fantasy

Given that this woman is generally depicted chowing furiously on Cheese and Bacon Balls, exposing anywhere up to a metre of dimpled arse, I’m unsure what “fantasy” exactly we as consumers are meant to be aspiring to. And so I remind you, precious reader, that Spears’ involvement in the production of Fantasy was probably minimal, and that her mits, no doubt laced with the residue of Cheese and Bacon Balls and her own spittle, remained at bay. In fact, I know so. It was created by Jim Krivda and released by Elizabeth Arden. The scent is a mix of lychee, quince and kiwi, and is quite enchanting.