If you could rid the earth of one thing, what would it be?

“Rid the earth”? Seems a little excessive. As I recall, some people tried to “rid the earth” of some twin towers, and that didn’t exactly go down like honey. I don’t know; I guess I’m just not a fan of mass execution. You know, even if I said, “I want to kill all paedophiles,” I still don’t exactly come off looking like Anne of Green Gables. No, I’m still just publishing a list of “people to kill”. Great, that’s sane. Let’s see, who else has tried that nugget? Hitler? Timothy McVeigh? Uh, I don’t know, every known psychopath in the history of time? The Manson Family?

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What happens when you purge your long-term boyfriend part three: die harder

Why am I having relationships whatsoever? I see no point. I see nothing. I have spent the last six years of my life ceaselessly and habitually attached, monogamous, deranged, deluded, dealing with pointless, unremitting bullshit, and what, exactly, have I achieved? What do I have? A house? A child? A solid gold telephone? No. I have vague and spasmodic depression — a condition I could have acquired by running into walls or trapping myself in a mine.

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Bathing beauty

I recently asked thirty of my peers, “Do you like to bathe?” Their responses ranged from mild indifference to active loathing, one claiming to shower while microwaving a cheese-based Kraft meal, another limiting her shower to the length of a Simpsons ad break. No one expressed relish, no one used a tub, and no one involved Mister Bubbles.

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I like big bibles and I cannot lie

GodTube is the semi-known American Christian video-sharing site that functions on basically the same principles as YouTube and is flawed for exactly the same reason: for delivering eternal shit.

Granted, YouTube may be reasonably all-encompassing, but it ultimately solicits the same kind of suffocatingly tedious cultural bitch fuck as, say, an episode of Funniest Home Videos. (You’ve seen the dramatic squirrel, and you know exactly what I’m talking about.)

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Helvetica the Movie

There is a widespread, cultish belief that Helvetica the Movie NEEDED to be made, or should have already been made, or that there should be infinitely more documentary films about fonts made, in general, all the time. This is wrong.

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House of Holland

House of Holland is the marketing byproduct of London designer Henry Holland, who apparently seduced Western Civilisation As We Know It by releasing his “Fashion Groupie Collection” — a line of fluorescent, mini-length t-shirts for irony whores (or actual whores, this is unclear but irrelevant), which seemed to directly inject the eternal “slogan t-shirt” with the necessary crack to totally and globally revive it.

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