arts cover story: Beat #1164 29 April 2009

star trek xi

Really loving Star Trek is like really loving Christ—you’re a social cowpat, your views are fundamentalist and you’ve been waiting 2000 years for a decent fucking sequel.

This is NOT my idea of a joke. Nemesis is my idea of a joke, along with every Star Trek film since 1991, which have been needlessly baked in shit.

“I don’t think people even understand what Star Trek means anymore.” — JJ Abrams

album review: Jmag #28 May 2009

the mountain by heartless bastards

Erika Wennestrom has a voice like gravy—rich, thick and rendered from fluid meat fat. Obviously this is ideal for her purposes, i.e. lo-fi blues rock, yet she resoundingly fails to set my tits on fire by her apparent refusal to emotionally lose control. Why, I don’t know, that’s a question for her therapist and possibly mine, but the fact remains—her absence of unbridled vocal passion basically makes her the old man in Beyond the Law, who tells Charlie Sheen some fucked-up story about sending him down a hole, but never actually does anything; he just hangs out. Meanwhile, Sheen loses his emotional shit and beats up a cop. You gave me old man, Wennestrom; I wanted Sheen.

arts cover story: Beat #1163 22 April 2009

iron maiden:
flight 666

Sam Dunn—director of Headbanger’s Journey, Global Metal and now Iron Maiden: Flight 666—opens can of cultural worms; finds old people, skullets and Neil Diamond within!

Sam, something you said at Flight 666’s opening is chiseled into my consciousness: “We’re at a point now where legendary metal bands deserve to have films like this made about them.” I found your use of the word “deserve” compelling. To me, that suggests metal is still spat on culturally.

beauty reviews: Frankie #29 June/July 2009

shampoo reviews

Kevin Murphy, Angel Wash Shampoo & Conditioner

Product radiates smell of miniature frosted cakes. Question: what function does frosting serve? Answer: None, it is the gristle on the bone of human life. Maybe product contains said perfume to take one back to “days of old”? Days of happy memories eating glucose every waking hour of childhood? Today the child is morbidly obese, cannot be moved from bed without animal harness. Additional question: how do fat people rendered immobile by their massive flesh bounty actually go wees? Luxury colostomy bag seems to be only fantasy in my mind. Product exemplary in actual terms, renders weightless shine.

column: Frankie #29 June/July 2009

things to say during pregnant pause

1. Movies. Common question asked to self during pause is: “Have you seen any good movies lately?” Well, I don’t know—I assume I have seen good movies lately, since apparently none of them drove me to suicide and I am here having this witless conversation right now, so let’s just say yes for the sake of “society”, but frankly this line is to conversation what dog crap is to the world—noxious, coiled and steaming—so I advise an amendment.